Hello,

If you look at the date and time of this post and the one before it, I'm writing this post right after I posted the other one.

Here's one thing I learned about myself, I can't express how I feel without feeling the opposite! Just instantly, I start to feel the opposite of what I just expressed. In the other post, I was feeling happy actually when I posted it, because looking at these photos brought back some happy memories.

Not human relations memories but just my own memories. Since you've known me for a while, I've always been the axis of my life, it was rarely when I was in a relationship, and when I was, well ... it was always complicated enough ... heh.

But I'm OK about it, after all I realize I had nothing to do with it, we all do mistakes and learn from them.
Anyways, just over the passed weeks my granny has been getting terribly sick, we had to take her to the hospital twice, once she spent there over a week and the second time where I had to call the ambulance myself she didn't stay there for long, THANK GOD!

Ironically, just couple of days before I took her to the hospital this last time, I was telling a friend I know what death and life mean since I've seen my grandpa while he was dying. But when my granny passed out this time and my mom was crying and I thought she might actually be dead or dying, I realized I still don't know what it means, my grandpa died when I was 14, and now I'm 25.

I'm not scared of her death, and I know eventually I'll cope with it. But it's the fact that she's gonna die sooner or later, my brother is leaving to Kuwait, Dima is eventually leaving with no more than a year to Ukraine and many other things, just are forcing me to face the time ahead of me when life is just about to change again drastically.

All my life I tried as much as I can to make my life as normal as possible even myself and everything around me. Sometimes I succeeded sometimes I didn't. However I keep on trying.

In a very long time, this is the first time I feel a bit weak and somehow vulnerable. I've always been certain about everything in my life and around me, but I am not anymore. I've always managed to make myself capable of saying "I don't care" and really mean it.
But now it's different, I'm changing and I'm realizing it, I'm forgetting many of things I've always wanted and have been after and I surely don't know where I'm going!

I just realized it's been almost a year now in my job, it's not a bad job, I'm not complaining about it. But it's not what I originally wanted to do. I plan for things I want to do and decide to do them and make the whole plan, but the second I wake up the next day, I completely forgot about it.

Many people say this is life and I'd say this is my test of determination on what I want, but it's just a very hard test and I'm feeling old inside myself, I don't have that fire and eager I used to have before, I forget everything now fast (can u believe I forget things!) and I'm getting lazy for everything everyday more and more.

This is certainly not me, and now that I'm writing this post I know I'll feel all determined and ready for the change just till I wake up tomorrow.

Looking at my face in this picture, this has never been my attitude to life or anything, I'm always tired and exhausted now, I go to bed and I don't want to sleep and I get out of bed and I don't want to wake up. I have a constant distracted and unfocused state (very unlike me) and I can't concentrate for more than couple of minutes on anything. It could be due to my working routine specially the 2 mornings and 2 nights shifts and also the pollution of Cairo!

But this is my job and this is my city, I can't just change them, I'm not 17 anymore when I was just able to quit any job I want at anytime and sit at home, I have many obligations and responsibilities!

I realize this is only my problem and only I can figure out a way out of it, but it's really not as easy.

Wish me good luck,
Cheers!
Myxa