Growing...

I just received my new Camera about 2 weeks ago. It certainly delighted me and i was and still am thrilled about it.
As the habit that's been for years, Dima and I tested the camera, compared it to his, took pics,...etc. Then after exhaustive tests and checks, we started flipping through the older photos, to compare qualities and stuff like that.

Then it suddenly I realized, I'm growing older, I'm not even 25 yet, and I'm starting to feel old. I've already been feeling so for a while, but always been trying to ignore it and find reasons and bla bla, till i was looking at my photos 2-3 years ago and i realized how different i look now. And it's different because because I'm older.

If Intan or Ezzat (my friends) would read this, she'd flip laughing and she wouldn't stop teasing me for a very very long time. They've always been saying that they're feeling old and so, and i was always like, how come, you're only 23, 24, 25, 26 !! Well they're both 2 years older than me. But it's true, i never felt my age till these days. And it's like every single thing is reminding me of it.

Being 25 isn't old at all, it's too young, it's just the beginning of life. That's what I'd say every time Ezzat or Intan spoke of their age. I do realize being 25 isn't old, and all the bla bla bla i'd say to myself if wasn't me. But it's the realization that i am getting old, specially with me lately noticing all the changes in myself and character through the passed 2 years.

For the passed weeks, a familiar feeling i didn't have in years came to me again. I again go to bed with no desire to sleep, no matter how tired i am, i just don't want to sleep. And when it's time to wake up, i don't want to wake up. It's not as simple as it sounds. And it is very hard.

I'm trying to invest this (bad energy) and make a better use of it. I quit smoking for a week now, i try to keep myself more focused and organize my sleeping habits.

The difference between myself now and back when i was "younger" is that now I somehow feel more distracted, unfocused and energyless. Not like what i used to be at all. Anyone has known me for more than 3 years would say the same i guess. I never felt time, I never felt it passing, I guess that's what made me get carried away many times with different things i was doing without realizing the amount of energy and time invested in it. It did give me a lot experiences in personal, practical and social lives. But only these days I'm realizing these experiences and their impact on me. May be that's why i feel distracted and unfocused. I guess I'm finally going to feel time.

I'm not unhappy with myself now, or whatever one might think, but I need to sort myself out I guess, my life was too fast for the passed 2 years. I had many jumps and falls lately. See, I don't give up, but I do tend to over think things sometimes! But that's human, isn't it?

One thing about feeling old or older than you last thought about it. Is that you do feel the need to re-valuate your life with everything in it, and you go thinking about everything you're doing. That by itself I'd say is a quality of feeling your age ... hehe. It's not as dark feeling yourself old, I guess if you do see it as a new era of your life rather than losing an era of your life would really make it better.

So now I'm going to be 25 next March, and I hope I'll be ready for it, till then i just have to organize my emotions and life.

Well, right now I'm in a night shift at work, it's 4:30 am, i still have 3 hours and a half more before i can go home. Soon enough it'll be time to pray fajr, it's always felt nice to pray fajr.

So, that's all for today.
Cheers!
Salam.